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november
2006
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A Quest For Love

It is now just over a year since Elvira and me broke up, the woman with whom I have had a relationship for 15 years. We have a 2-year-old daughter, Tjorven, whom we raise as co-parents. The first year after the break, I especially enjoyed my freedom. I went out a lot, I ogled and flirted. Sometimes I took someone home and at the same time I processed that it was over between me and Elvira. But at this moment I want to commit myself again, I want to find a woman and be happy with her. Now A Quest For Love begins, an artistic report of my search for the right woman. My name is Ramon, I am 39 years old.
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december
2006
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We celebrate Sinterklaas (traditional Dutch feast on the 5th of December) with a group housemates. We drawed names and I took Richard. He inherited a BMW from his father and he is looking for a girlfriend. To my quasi-funny suggestion that he only has to show his BMW to find a girlfriend, he replies that such type of cars attracts the wrong kind of women. I have to make a “surprise” for him and decide to make a car that fits his personality more. In my studio I find a number of pink, yellow and red sponges. I make a scale model for him and call it "Rich's Lovecar". In this way I discover how pleasant it is to work with sponge.
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january
2007
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I enjoyed celebrating Sinterklaas, but I realize that it’s also for me time to go looking again. I decide to make a Lovecar for myself too. A car as a symbol for "boarding together" and facing a new adventure. I make three of them. About the first two I am not entirely satisfied. The first is a bit too tight and the second not elegant enough, but I am happy with the third one. After two weeks with Maria and one week with Mirjam, the time has come; Julia gets in!!
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january
2008
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She is my age, very stylish and I am wondering why such a beautiful woman falls for me. She works at one of the ministries and knows exactly how everything should be done. I feel pretty awkward next to her, but I don't worry too much about that. We are totally in love and it is going well, soon we live together. Next to our house we start an Art Gallery named "Chantals", where she is the host during openings of exhibitions and where I help artists arranging their work.
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july
2008

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On holiday in France, I notice the great variety of sponges in the supermarché. Not only yellow with green, like the average Dutch ones, but a whole shelf with all kinds of different colors and good quality. I decide to do big shopping and to exploit the material further at home.
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january
2009
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After one year, our relationship is becoming increasingly difficult. We argue about money and other unimportant things. Getting pregnant in a naturally way seems not to be possible, so we are working with IVF-treatments. Unfortunately, also this doesn’t lead to a successful pregnancy, which puts a great pressure on our relationship. The end of 2008 Julia decides to return to her own house. I'm panicking! In my studio I go to work. The sponges from France are not suitable for cars and I decide to make something else. A house appears, The House Of Love, with rooms for us, my daughter and the child we wanted. In an ultimate  attempt to win Julia for me, I show her the house. This is what I want to give you: a safe home; colorful and lively during the day and in the evening the warmth and light shines through the walls. Julia cried when she sees it. This is indeed where she is longing for. However, she doesn’t believe me.
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july
2009
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In the meantime she has a new boyfriend with whom live is much lighter and more romantic. To show that I also know what romance is, I build her a Loveboat, with as a figurehead the woman I take as a guide on our romantic boat trips. For the design I am inspired by the fishing boats of Scheveningen. This image touches her even more, but she still does not believe in my love.
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september
2009

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2010
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I think she might not have faith in love in general. The next image is The Temple Of Love, a place where you could find faith in love. Every glimpse into the temple illuminate a different aspect of love. The colors are the pink/blue of boys and girls, the black/white of bride and groom and the gold/silver of love on a later age. Together they create a fairytale about what love could be. It takes me longer than one year to finish this temple. The process partly is slowed down because I need to earn money and  to renovate my house, but it is also increasingly difficult to find the right materials. First the black/white sponges are finished, so I have to paint orange sponges white. Then the blue/pink roof-sponges are no longer available in the Netherlands, but in Germany they are! As part of the quest, I drive through 30 villages in one day to collect the right sponges. After one year the temple is ready, but the contact between Julia and me has deteriorated so much that she doesn’t wants to come and see the temple. A thing that will happen to me more often.
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december
2010

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january
2011

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june
2011

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At the end of 2010 I finally realize that our relationship is over..

At a New Years drink in early 2011, I meet Lisa. A pretty woman and ten years younger than me. She is goldsmith. Itís nice to go to exhibitions together and talk about art, lying in bed and making love, or going into nature. In that sense we fit well together. I have to get used to her smile, because there seems to be hidden a lot of unprocessed sorrow. It seems a bit forced, something I recognize from myself in the past. But when she sees my temple, it gives her confidence and I decide to give her my confidence too.


Now I have made a temple, I think I should also make an altar. After all, these are two things that belong together. I'm a bit shivery, because usually something is sacrificed on an altar.

Meanwhile, Lisa got pregnant. It wasnít planned, but we are nevertheless happy with it. Because we still live separately, we have to merge our lives at high speed. This turns out to be harder than imagined. During our babymoon our relationship is falling apart. Angry and silent we drive home and Lisa leaves for her own apartment. She decides to have an abortion, despite my desperate attempts to change her mind.
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august
2011

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Now it becomes clear what will be sacrificed at the Altar Of Love. I have no idea how to deal with this, but I decide to take the path of the golden elephant, to take a close look in the mirror and to suffer, along the crowd with their many opinions. I follow the star that leads towards the wisdom and the acceptance, to finally arrive by the heart and the protective love.
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september
2011
While we are out of contact, I pull back in my Refuge d'Amour. I decide not to cast my pearls before swine and to keep my love for myself. And although the treasure-chest overflows, my heart is steeled. I do not insist but accept that my love for her still exists. I am king over my own feelings.
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I do, however, write her a letter about how I experienced the day of the abortion. In response of this letter, we get in touch again. We manage to discuss what happened and with more understanding of each other, we decide to try it again.
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january
2012
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For a few months we do the best we can, but it doesn't work. We are finding ourselfs into a fight again. Our love is like a Frozen Garden Of Love. Lisa as a swan, graceful but haughty. It is cold and the pond is frozen. The cottage has been changed into an igloo. I am waiting for her like a faithful but iced doggy, until we can take place on the bench like a romantic couple. However, I realize that only by divine intervention and the help of a procession of angels, the ball will start rolling again. Lisa is angry and her love is frozen.
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february
2012
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I try to soften Lisa by showing her where we can finish if we go through this icy period. The Garden Of Eden, a paradise garden, where we can sit carelessly aomong the flowers, like two little bears. A feeling of spring, a new beginning. But she don't want to know anything about it and doesn't come to take a look at the work. It is clear, it’s over. I decide to process this loss quickly and not again, spend more than a year, dealing with another lost love. In high speed, I make a few more lovehouses.
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march
2012
With Cristalclear Love I do research how sincere my love is. Sometimes I doubt myself, if I am able to love in in the right way. But when I create such an image, it is clear to me. Maybe you first have to kiss the frog, but then you will find the diamond of true love inside, in a sweet garden with butterflies and such…
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april
2012

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How should I have dealt with the old sorrow Lisa carries inside her? At all costs she wants to prevent it from being touched. Basically she doesn't want to feel anger, because it reminds her of her mother whose anger could last for months. But you can not avoid anger from time to time, if you love each other. The only solution is to give that pain some space in the relationship. The Small Chapel Of The Female Suffering, Bounded And Surrounded By Love is like a place where grief can exist. Where the suffering isn’t being pushed away, but were it is surrounded by love, so that it can soften, and the sharpness of the pain can disappears.
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may
2012
Now it's time to say goodbye. While I feel a bit like an orphane, left behind in the frozen house, Lisa enters the cold world, facing a new adventure. The star is still shining on the roof in case she wants to find her way back, but I don't expect that. I write her a fair farewell letter and let her go in love. Farewell Lisa.
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may
2012
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Lisa calls me as a reaction to my farewell letter. She wants to be left in peace. I am a little surprised, because the letter was meant as a farewell and I would have left her alone anyway. She doesn’t want any contact, but at the same time it seems like there is something “begging” in her voice, that tells me something completely different. She is imprissoned in her anger. Like a lovely elf, she sits on her cold frozen throne of anger and wants to get off. But the only way to get her out of her cold, angry prison is to stand together between the shards and talk about what happened. And she will never do that. I can't help her. Blackbirdlove.
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june
2012

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Now that it’s over with Lisa, there is space for something new again. However, after two failed adventures I am not immediately ready for the next serious relationship. Yet I have the feeling that something is coming. Something light as a Hello Kitty, but at the same time something very romantic. That's right, Anna bursts into my life. She is 21, still at the Art Academy and discovering life in its entirety. And although I don't believe for a moment that this will lead to anything serious, I am super in love.
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We do not have a lot of contact, but I think about her a lot. This summer she goes for an interrailtravel and as a teenage boy I decide to fly after her. We meet in Istanbul for a week. I rent a hotel room there and wait for her at the bus station. The first hours are fun, but soon Anna wants to go around by herself. Once a day we meet each other and philosophize about life, but apart of this moment, we hardly see each other. Separately we go to the Blue Mosque, the Topkapi Palace and the Grand Bazar.

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august
2012
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On the second to last day I tell her that I really come Für Anna to Istanbul. We decide to do a boat trip to one of the Princes' Islands. It is a magical, romantic trip, as if we are living in a different reality. We wander around on the island and find an abandoned villa. When we sneak in, the house turns out to be empty, except for two corner sofas. We decide to let the last boat leave without us, we buy wine and candles and swim in the moonlight between the jellyfish, that in an inimitably way, donít stab us. At night we go to the villa again and we put the corner sofas together. When we wake up in the morning, we smoke a cigarette on the porch and walk down twenty meters to the sea for a swim. For a moment there is a complete feeling of harmony and we are totally absorbed in each other and our adventure. It feels like we are dancing in a fairy tale palace and the rest of the world no longer exists anymore. Then we go back to Istanbul, Anna continues her trip to Bulgaria and I go home.
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september
2012
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Once at home, I am still thinking about Anna. Inspired by the gate of the Dolmabahce palace, I make the Dark Gate Of Love. I would really feel like a king if I could lead Anna by my side through this gate. A powerful feeling !! As two adventurers we would travel through life, conquering everyone and everything! A world, full of excitement and adventure, would be at our feet. But I am home again and my daughter have to go to school. This is how this summer love ends.
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october
2012
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After this adventure I wander around in a kind of "loveless" no man's land. I'm going out with Eva. She was the first person to whom I rented a room in 2006, when she was still studying at the Art Academy. I have a soft spot for her, for a long time. We have gone out together often, but we never became more than friends. Recently Her relationship has also come to an end, so we regularly roam the city together. One evening, when we have a drink after an opening and everyone is already home, we suddenly start kissing. it doesn't go further than that. I'm not sure why Eva does this, it looks like she's floating in her own unreachable bubble. For me it was surely a real Kiss Of Love.
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november
2012
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The situation with Eva is a bit uncomfortable now. We kissed, and? I could try to start a relationship with her, but I am afraid she don’t want that. Then why did she kissed me so thoughtlessly? I am not a stranger to her that she will never have to see again. I notice that I am angry with her, but there isn’t much I can do. If I want to remain friends with Eva, I better let this pass. It feels like Jonas’ Love, sacrificing himself to save the ship.
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december
2012
After this series of disappointments I am tired of everything. Icecream Love, but my heart is frozen. The inside it is iced, I put a guard dog in front of the door. Screw you guys! I'm done with it! Again it's winter in Loveland.
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january
2013

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Nevertheless, I won't be able to keep that up for long. The game of flirting, attraction, repelling and conquering, is too much fun! I love it!! During a party I keep looking around for the most attractive girls and soon, under influence of beer and testosterone, I am back on my throne again. A dangerously sharp throne that is, but the gate is open again. Bring it on!!!
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february
2013

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And Hilde comes. I have seen her walking around the schoolyard for a while when I bring Tjorven to school. She has a son, Mozes, who is two years younger than my daughter. Hilde is 31 and works in a primary school. Apparently she has noticed me too, because if I find the courage to speak to her, she ask me already in the third sentence when we will have a beer. Like a Pirate Love, she conquers me and at the same time she throws herself at my feet, like a fluffy bunny. She is untamed and loves it when things go wild, but on the other hand she is ultra sensitive when I touch her. She is hard and soft at once, I think it's a miracle.
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march
2013
What a Fête d’Amour. I am irresistibly attracted by her fertility. We make love like crazy. No matter from which side we come from, the door is open for building a new nest. We dream about living together and having more children, we are in love. I cheer on the inside!
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march
2013

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This feels like a Natural Love. There is an current that indicates that our bodies want to be close to each other. Together with our children we are the perfect family, we fit exactly together. Physically, but also in terms of lifestyle. We love the free elements; water, air, earth and fire. Not sterile, but lively and free. We swim in the water like a bunch of happy duckies.
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But then….

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april
2013

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I did something stupid!! In my fear of losing Hilde, I put too much emotionally pressure on her. She was on her way to an ayahuasca ceremony and I was afraid that - under the influence of the drugs - she would have experiences that would be much nicer and more intense than our still tender love. I thought everything would fade, so I completely freaked out. As a little child, I wanted her to stay home. I reacted like a scared hare. Sorry Sweetheart.
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may
2013

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Hilde doubts…. Do I really love her? She has to think hard wether she sees a future with me or not, She would like to have the opportunity to look into a crystal ball. And me? I stand inside shouting very loud I Love You!! along with Moses and Tjorven. We do like to continue. Lovely elf, please come in! It is obvious that I love you. Aren’t we soft fluffy balls together!!?
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june
2013
I'm so badly In Love. It drives me crazy, but at the same time the world is completely pink!!!
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And Hilde is still doubting ...

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july
2013
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I try to explain her that we physically came together very quickly, but that our Spiritual Love has more the pace of a turtle. Developping a love like this takes time and sometimes there is friction before love becomes wise and serene. Let's trust our inner source, don't stop it, let it flow ... My plea doesn’t help. Hilde ends the relationship!!!
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august
2013
She says she wants to break up, but I don't believe her. I retire like Aurora in her palace and wait for a real love kiss so my heart can wake up again.
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august
2013
There's nothing else to do but wait, Dreaming ... until Hilde comes back.
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august
2013

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And Hilde is coming back, and yet not. One day we make passionately love and the other day she keeps a great distance and the only thing I am allowed to do is giving her a kiss on the cheek. One moment she is very happy to see me again, to aks me a bit later what I am actually doing here. The colors of our emotional palette are constantly changing. Oh, this is Unbearable Love, I walk away in anger.
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september
2013

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It is getting bleak and cold now. It looks like Autumn. We both behave like babies and have ended up in a vicious circle. It makes me angry when she pushes me away, and therefore she pushes me away again, unclear who started. While Hilde stays outside, I decide to go inside alone and search for softness. I try to find out what exactly is happening. I suspect she’s scared to commit herself and I underestimate how my anger affects her.
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september
2013

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We use each other as a Mirror and we are projecting our fears onto each other. I think to see Hilde, but but it is a reflection of myself. My confidence, my desire, my fears  ... often it’s difficult to see what belongs to yourself and what belongs to the other. In an intimate relationship, old disturbing patterns can come to the surface. It makes no sense to run away, because the same patterns return in a subsequent relationship. It’s better to face it together.
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october
2013

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Hildes door is closed again. Every time I visit her, she is seems to be happy to see me, but soon after, she ask me to leave again. So okay, but I bought a bottle of wine and the door of Arienne, one of my tentants, is open. We talk about my love life and about her intended trip to Australia. It feels nice and cozy and Ariënne is beautiful and attractive. I think "WTF!" and we end up kissing on the couch. Now I am confused. It feels like I'm standing at a bus station and have to choose which line to take. But Ariënne is going to Australia for six months and I'm occupied with Hilde. Dus Bus, I'll just let you pass.
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november
2013
Hilde is still cold and unapproachable, as Rapunzel on top of her ivory tower. I try to soften her, but she refuses to let her braids down. Guided by her fears, she not only shuts me out but she also imprisons her own desire. If she wants this changed, she really has to listen to her inner self. Twist for candy.
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november
2013
It is difficult for Hilde to face her own fears and to put the reins in the hands of something else that lives inside her.  A soft hidden flow, with a desire for warmth and contact. If she let herself be guided by this Divine Stream, the warm beating heart will guide us to a sea of love!
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december
2013
"Please," I beg her, "bite the bullet and kiss the frog. You will see that he will changes into The Prince Of Love. Let’s face our difficulties together, and we will work them out!”. Like a curious gosling, she is hesitant at the door. Will she go inside?
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december
2013
By realizing that Hilde is actually afraid to commit herself and since I have learned to control my anger, I think we’ve got Gold in our hands. I safely bricked in my evil, angry monkey and can now see Hilde as the woman she is. As far as I am concerned, we have overcome our difficulties.
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january
2014

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Of course that only works if it is experienced in the same way on the other side. And that is not the case. Hilde persists in her rejection, while at the same time she feels attracted to me. She uses her rejection to keep control. That feels unfair. Drop Your Weapon!! But she doesn't. I decide to choose the royal way, to use the power of the soft, pink elephant and to honor her rejection. The fight is finally over. The only place where we still have to face each other is on the schoolyard of our children.
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february
2014

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In a series of closed houses I try to make clear to her what it means that there is no entrance anymore. The warm feeling we have when we are together, You Make It Feels Like Home, the idea of building a future together. Creating  a cozy home for each other, like two rabbits in a field full of flowers. That is no longer an option.
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march
2014

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Sometimes Hilde has a hard time dealing with the feelings that lives inside her. Deep dark, blue feelings of undefined origin that gives her a stranded feeling, like Ariel who cannot walk ones on land. But I can’t take her any longer by the hand and guide her. I can’t lead her out of the labyrinth of cobwebs in her head. I can’t any longer be her Spiderman.
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April
2014
It is Pure Love what I feel for her, but I cover it. That’s the most loving thing I can do now; make her feel what she is going to miss. And although the red collored warmth shouts through the walls, I keep everything closed. Shielded with barbed wire. Cool and white !!! With a lot of effort though.
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may
2014
The nice sex we had at which we could fully surrender. The fiery fight of passionate sex where the man has to climb the pyramid of love and where his wife waits full of dedication. Up, On Her Knees. For me this can only happen within the walls of the garden of love.
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june
2014
Shoal My Love is the end of the series of inaccesible houses. My love is hidden. I now behave towards Hilde as I do towards all the other fish in the sea. It feels serene, although I am curious how she will react, now that I closed myself off from her. I keep an eye on her from a distance, like a curious dog.
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august
2014

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After I showed my work in an art space at the end of June, I got the feeling that I was out of place. I decide that the term "fine arts" doesn’t cover the load of my profession anymore. Comments I hear about my work, such as 'it simply defies all the senses' or 'my art historical reference board goes “Error, Error!”’ are fitting in with that. My work is rather religious, it’s about Faith, Hope and Love. I'm still looking for the right term to describe it. Do I have to call myself a “Shrine maker”? Or maybe a “Chapel builder”?

There is not much difference between building a Modern Shrine and making a painting, it is an order in form and color. You could consider the side of a house as an abstract painting, where color and rhythm already tells a part of the story. All attached elements must support the meaning of the image, not only in shape but also in color. In this way, figurative and abstract elements are both visible at the same time.

Symbolism and metaphors are an important part of my work. Just like clichés. Clichés are images -in this case toy figurines- that communicate well and convey a clear message straight away. These clichés do not necessarily have to be true, but their power can be used  in the story I want to tell. A collection of clichés together is always different and it produces great metaphors to my own symbolic language.

It doesn’t make sense to invest time in something that someone else has already done much better. That is why I choose to use already existing figures in my work. The expertise and precision with which these often have been designed, I cannot possibly surpass. That’s why I wander around stores and flea markets, searching, until my eye catches exactely that item, I was looking for. 

Often I collect the various elements of a Shrine a year in advance. Images, sponges, Christmas lights and beads that fit in and have the right expressiveness, all come together in the Quest For Love. And precisely that house appears, wich brings me further in my search. I find it amazing that my intuition, much earlier than my consciousness knows what I need.

Every time I make a new Shrine, I learn; it makes me stronger. With the knowledge I gained, I am able to build a new Shrine with more sensitivity. I usually don't know what the artwork is about, until it is finished. In this way I am the first observer of my work and sometimes it seems that reality conforms to the artwork. Something happens in my life the artwork already predicted.

I try to make my work easily accessible without having to compromise on quality. You don’t need to know a lot about art to be able to enjoy my work, in that respect I do not have to function within the Art world. For me it’s sufficient to show it in a well visited place. And although I don’t have anything against the fact that the subculture of the Art world exists, and even enjoy it many times, I still like the fact that my work has value outside this community.
january
2015
And perhaps that is the most important conclusion of What Now?!! I am making my own monuments. Let the tourists come!!
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february
2015

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The same question; What Now?!! I can also ask myself in my search for love. I feel like I've been robbed. Hilde passed by again for a moment. It took her six months, but now she like to see me again. And of course she has received my gifts in the form of attention and love. My door was open again and my heart is still beating for her... And after she got where she came for, she left again, leaving Scorched Earth behind.
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february
2015

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But now I am really done with it!. Although our love is so strong, it can give wings to something as heavy as a pig, I no longer think it’s only my responsibility to guard our love. The Defenders Of The Temple Of The Winged Pig should exist of both lovers! Care for each other and the relationship, that’s what matters. Unfortunately I am the only one trying to maintain something, and I don't want that anymore. That's why I made this grave monument. The battle is over, our love buried.
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march
2015

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Due to the constant rejection, I have somehow lost a part of my self-esteem. Like a wounded dragon, I crawl back into my cave to discover who, or what, I am. I buy different collored sponges in the shape of a flower, I  cut them into eight parts and glue them together again in different combinations. The Dragon Holes arise; organic structures with colors that belongs to the various positive qualities I attribute to myself. Together with the beads and the lights inside, a fitting whole is created. Diamonds guarded by a dragon. Between March and June I make five of them. Each Dragon Hole slightly larger than the previous one, growing with the space that I dare to occupy again in the world.
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march
2015



The first quality I ascribe to myself  is Adventurous. I like to go out and discover new things, choose new paths, both literally and figuratively. I like to involve other people in my adventures.
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march
2015


The second Dragon Hole is Playful. Playing in the sun and the water, diving into the waves like a little dolphin. But also on the land, in a playful way, I like to challenge myself and others to keep going.
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april
2015


I raise my daughter and I do so with Care. I try to give her a happy, secure and loving childhood. Together with Elvira, I think we’re doing a great job.
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april
2015


I'm Loyal, I won’t push away someone easily. And when I am critical, I still act with a sense of loyalty. I usually try to bring out the best in people.
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may
2015


Finally, I think I have a Warm personality. Open for contact and not indifferent to the suffering in the world or harsh about other people. I look at people with compassion.
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august
2015

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It feels good to list these qualities for myself. This way I am able to rebuild my self-esteem step by step. When I am on a mountain top in Switzerland during a hiking holiday, and Tjorven is already in the tent, I look at the stars and I feel it is good. I am whole. Once back home I am able to finish the last Dragon Hole. All the colors of life come together. I crawl out of my hole. I'm Zen.
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august
2015
It seems lijke devil’s work, just when I feel completely good again, Hilde calls. She wants to see me. It seems like The Love Of The Fox And The Rabbit, because of course I want to see her too. She only has to frisk for me, and whoop, I go hunting again.
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No photos yet!!
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september
2015
We planned a two-day trip, but just before leaving, she cancels it. For a moment I am furious; here we go again!!! But I swallow my anger. If I want something with Hilde, I will need to have a lot of patience before the roses bloom…Garden My Love.
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No photos yet!!
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september
2015

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Although I remained calm, Hilde was shocked by the two seconds of fierceness she saw in my eyes, and she withdrew back into her tree, like a shy little bird. With a perfectly protective color she tries to hide there, while I feel like a powerless frog on the ground. My Eyes Are Fixed On You, Bluebird. I can see her sitting among the branches and suddenly I realize; she will always flee away.
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No photos yet!!
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I visit Hilde one more time, but she has to go to yoga. I tell her she can call me if she wants to see me. And so Hilde disappears out of my life….
october
2015
Now I am done with it!. I don't want to be alone anymore. All I Want For Christmas!! is a girlfriend who is sweet, kind and attractive. A girlfriend who makes me feel at home. Who not only takes, but also gives something. A girlfriend who really goes for it.
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october
2015
And as often happens when I make an Shrine, reality conforms to it. I feel something is coming, The Great Wizard is working. I'm moving somewhere and I know someone else is moving too. I just can't see who it is…
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No photos yet!!
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I dream that I approach a river. There is a group of people on the shore. It looks like a scene from the days of the hunters and gatherers. I'm looking for someone, a woman. A young woman comes to me. She introduces herself; Her name is Omen. I am surprised that she is interested in me, as young as she is. "You know me," she says. When we cross the river through a tree trunk, she jumps on my back and I carry her to the other side.

Is this an omen? I know her indeed. Her name isn’t Omen but Lena and we play in the same volleyball team for already two years. She is twenty years younger than me and has little experience in relationships. I help her move to a new place and then the it sparks. I wouldn't say she fits me, but we are starting something.
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november
2015

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It feels like we have been pulled out of a top hat by a magician. Dazed we are sitting in the grass like two little rabbits, more surprised than in love. Do we have to sort it out together? It’s Magic!!! My Shrines and reality are now completely are mixed up. First I make the shrine of the rabbits and after we start something, I only realize that it concerns Lena and me when she asks me to explain her what the lovehouse is about.
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No photos yet!!
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february
2016

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With other girlfriend I went straight to the physical part, with Lena this is not possible. The whole idea of sex and being unconcerned horny, is pretty complicated, scary and also a bit dirty to her. No, before we get there, we will first have to go through The Lovegate. Maybe she allows a chaste kiss on the cheek, while we are sitting romanically on a bench, listening to classical music.  She clearly finds love more important than sex. And that is also a nice thing. Maybe in a while she will trust me enough to be able to enjoy making love together.
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No photos yet!!
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october
2016
Timidly like a little hedgehog, Lena finally crawls out of her ice shack. She wants to play outside but she is also a bit tensed as if she wakes up from a hibernation. The world still looks Frozen and she herself is cool and reserved. And I, I am waiting for her like an impatient snowman. "Come on, fronzen one, melt!!"
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No photos yet!!
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Now that Lena has come to life, our relationship has not really become easier. She can let go control a little more, but that also means that her dark side comes out more often. And that is pretty spicy! We often argue and sometimes don't see each other for a week. Yet we both do not want to stop, even though we shout it a hundred times we will.
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december
2016

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It is becoming increasingly clear that the problems we encounter, are related to a dark part in Lena. Time and time again she projects negative feelings from the past into the present. If it goes on like this, our relationship cannot continue. First she will have to face her own old pain, retreat herself to the Lonely Mountain and accept that suffering is part of life. Finally it can lead her to the mountains of gold.
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No photos yet!!
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april
2017

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Apparently I am attracted by women who have something to solve, because Lena is definitely not the first one wich whom I experience this. It would be nice if it would come to a good end this time.

When Lena and I don’t see each other for another three weeks, I meet Hilde to drink coffee. She wants me to come back, this shows how strong the feeling still is after so much time. But no, I'm not going back. Maybe Hilde fits me better in style, but Lena and me have now started an adventure. And even though it’s difficult, I first want to see how that ends. At least Lena and I are both doing the best we can.

At the moment I don't have much time to make new Shrines. The various tasks, such as earning money, renovating my house, taking care of my daughter and creating new work are quite difficult to combine. If I want to make this Quest also a public success, I still have to invest a lot of time and energy in it. That's why I decided to finish my real house first. With this house I earn money by renting out rooms, but not enough to pay for the renovation. So I work to make money and put that in the house renovation. When that’s done, I hope I have enough time to spend for my Quest For Love.
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december
2017

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As I build a house in a practical sense, I also try to convince Lena to surrender to the idea of ??building a home together. After more than two years, she still have doubts whether I am the right one, whether we will overcome our difficulties and whether I am not too old for her. At the same time, she can't do well without me and she wants to be with me. I try to show her how sweet the fruits are of a safe warm home. My Home Is My Castle.
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maart
2018

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Lena is still doubting. In her dark ivory tower she is captived in a bodice of sorrow. She gets closer to her pain, but often enough she is completely overwhelmed by it. Then she is angry with everything and everyone, but mostly I am the target of her anger. I’m still holding on because I see that she is works very hard for it , but it not a plesant time. I am waiting like a faithful dog until she releases her pain and appears as my lovely and exciting bride.There Comes The Bride.
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No photos yet!!
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oktober
2018

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Our lives are rolling back and forth, between joy and misery. When we are in harmony, we are happy together until something touches the old pain again. Occasionally Lena manages to just feel it and let it pass by again, but often she is convinced that she is treated as inferior and then the bomb goes of. Later she regrets. I admire that she doesn't run away from it, but keeps searching. This way she has her own Quest.
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januari
2019

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Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for me, then I have disagreements on all fronts. At work as an exhibition builder, with my swimming buddies and also with Lena. If I also put too much pressure on myself, regarding the goals I want to achieve in life, I can long for simplicity. To A kind of Shelter in nature, where you can enjoy the simple things in life, without too many worries and responsibilities. From now on I decide to be guided by the star that points in that direction. It may not be possible to get there right now, but who knows in a few years. It would be nice to be there with Lena ...
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No photos yet!!
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To be continued....